AH HA HA HA oh I love you.
Okay, well, the raunchiest one is Romeo and Juliet 2.4, Mercutio to the Nurse:
“for the bawdy hand of the dial / Is now upon the prick of noon.”
And the baldest one, Henry V, 2.3, Pistol to Nym:
“I do retort the solus in thy bowels, / For I can take, and Pistol’s cock is up, / And flashing fire will follow.”
Schlockiest, Twelfth Night 1.5, Feste to Maria:
“Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.” *rimshot*
Cleverest—and hottest—Sonnet 20, the poet to his beautiful young man:
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick’d thee out for women’s pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love’s use their treasure.
(For me the most important word here isn’t “prick’d”—giggle—but “nothing,” which was Elizabethan slang for vagina. Nature added one thing, a prick, which is to my purpose nothing, a vagina, so
AHEM. Shakespeare gettin’ his frottage on?)
But okay, my #1 all-time favorite Shakespeare dick joke is Hamlet 2.2, Hamlet to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern:
Happy, in that we are not overhappy.
On Fortune’s cap we are not the very button.
Nor the soles of her shoes?
Neither, my lord.
Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favors?
Faith, her privates we.
In the secret parts of Fortune? Oh, most true. She is a strumpet.
Because yeah, most poignant.
One of my favorites: “better a witty fool than a foolish wit.” With “wit” as slang for penis, i.e. HOPE HE’S DUMB AND HUNG.
But you can’t beat the blatant comment from Mercutio about Juliet: “Oh, that she were an open arse, and thou a poperin pear!”